


Space

by Thessalian



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-19
Updated: 2012-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-31 10:36:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/343062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thessalian/pseuds/Thessalian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two old friends talk to fill an empty space.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Space

The lack of a body left a hole, a gaping wound. So the galactic brass tried to fill it with a photograph and with speeches, empty words like 'hero' and 'glory' and 'patriot' and 'sacrifice'. They threw phrases like 'hero of the Blitz' and 'first human Spectre' into the void that should have held her coffin. 'We will never see her like again' echoed in the emptiness, hollow and too small to fill the gap she'd left in the world.

They wanted Kaidan to say a few words; as her second-in-command, it was expected of him. He tried, to his credit, but most of what came out were the same old platitudes, falling into an endless chasm of her _not being there_. How he and the crew would have followed her through hell - and, in fact, had. How she cared for her subordinates without losing the ability to make the hard choices. How she would have given her lives for the mission and her people, if that was what it took.

He didn't mention that she had.

One face in the crowd silently thanked him for it as he ended his futile little speech that still did not fill the hole with a salute and a choked murmur of "Semper fi". That, thankfully, brought the memorial to a close, and the Shepards patted his shoulder and thanked him as they wandered off. He endured it, stood firm as others came by to give their condolences and receive them, but he got away as quickly as he could. Too many people, too much noise - the pain in his head was beginning to rival the pain in his heart. Lying down in a dimly-lit room would help the former, but would only make the latter worse. To lie down in a darkened room would bring back Ilos for him; the play of sweat-shine and shadows on her skin, the smell and sounds and warm, soft smoothness of her. That moment when she gave him that cat-playful smile and told him that her stress wasn't entirely worked out yet and five minutes was plenty of time...

A prod in the shoulder brought Kaidan back to himself, and he wondered how long he had been standing in his little alcove, eyes shut tight, hands clenched, remembering. "Hey. You okay?"

Kaidan turned to look at Joker, trying not to glare. Despite his condition, Joker still eschewed a wheelchair and stood balanced on crutches and leg-braces. Kaidan kept his eyes on Joker's face with an effort. Unfair as it was, he couldn't stand to think about Joker's disability for very long. It had never been that way before. He didn't answer the question either - another first. He simply looked at Joker, noted the man's pallor, the haggard look under the tidied beard, the haunted eyes shaded by the brim of the baseball cap that -- _he wore it to the damned memorial. She'd have loved that._

The silence went on for a few seconds before Joker sighed. "All right, stupid question. You look like a man who needs a drink."

Joker sounded tired. He also sounded concerned. There were other notes to it, too - notes so un-Joker-ish that Kaidan couldn't quite identify them from the pilot's tone. It was as much curiosity about those other notes as anything else that made him ask, "What did you have in mind?"

"Two bottles of this salarian stuff that I think is supposed to be brandy," Joker told him with a shrug. "Figured we could sit, drink a toast to the Commander. Have it out, clear the air. Then keep drinking to the Commander 'til we pass out. I dunno."

This was going nowhere Kaidan wanted it to go - well, with the possible exception of salarian brandy, which carried a reputation for stripping throat lining and brain cells with the efficiency of clove-flavoured turpentine. "Have _what_ out, exactly?"

Joker raised an eyebrow. "You really want to do this here, Alenko? Or maybe go someplace private. 'Cos, y'know, I'd rather be sitting when you punch my face in. Sitting, and anaesthetised. Less long-term damage that way."

"Yeah. Okay." As he matched his steps to Joker's on their way to their assigned quarters, Kaidan wondered how much of the offer he was going to take Joker up on.

_That probably depends on how much I've had to drink before he pisses me off._

* * *

Kaidan didn't drink much. None of the L2s did, most of them being fucked up enough without adding depressant chemicals to the mess that was a L2 biotic's brain. Still, Kaidan had more experience with alcohol than most, being one of the lucky few not badly crippled by his L2 side effects. Most of the people with whom he'd gone to Brain Camp would have been on the floor by the first slug of salarian brandy. He, on the other hand, was slumped semi-bonelessly in a chair, watching Joker live up to his name and chuckling helplessly at the pilot's reminiscences of his last commanding officer.

"--so I look up and she's standing there with this parcel the size of Wrex's head, y'know? And I'm sitting there wondering what the hell she gets her pilot for his birthday that's _that_ kinda size. So I open it and there's these _massive_ slippers that look like bear claws, and a cushion thing that looks like someone inflated a pyjak--"

Something cut through the fog of brandy fumes in Kaidan's head, and he said, "I remember that thing! You used to wave it at her when we headed planetside. And when we got back from Therum, you threw it at her."

"She made me land in a _volcano_!" Joker chuckled and shook his head. "I mean, compliment to my skills, sure, but man, we came within three inches of getting toasted!" He sighed. "She was right about the medal, though. Man, I thought those politicos were never going to shut up. Serves me right for being a big damn hero on her say-so, I guess."

Silence descended. It wasn't the first time in their little two-man wake that conversation hit a stalling point. The first time, Kaidan had broken it with a toast to "the Commander"; the second time, Joker began filling the room with memories. This time, Kaidan let the silence spin out before saying, "You two were close."

"Eh, I think I was a kind of little brother to her." Joker lowered his head a little and let the shadow from the bill of his cap hide his eyes. "Just how it worked out. I had a lot of late nights; she couldn't sleep--"

"The Beacon."

Joker snorted. "The Beacon, the Cipher, the _other_ Beacon... Man, I dunno how she had room for anything else in her head, the amount of Prothean crap shoved up in there. Came out in her dreams, I guess. So sometimes there'd be stims and sometimes sleep aids - Chakwas was a big help - but she didn't want to rely on them too much either way. So she'd come out, we'd watch some old Earth vids and ... y'know, talk. Mostly random crap."

Kaidan flicked a glance Joker's way - over the brace-bound legs and the crutches leaned against his chair - before turning his eyes back on his glass. "I guess random crap and old Earth vids are a serious bonding experience."

The bill of Joker's baseball cap came up to reveal eyes blazing with hate that was at least seventy-five percent inwardly directed. "Look, I _told_ her to leave me behind. You _know_ she couldn't do that! Not for me, you, any of us!"

"She left Ashley behind." _For me._

Joker echoed his thought, though in a different tone. "For _you_! You were the one who didn't have any real backup, Alenko! And if Saren and his geth had got to that bomb, Williams would have died anyway, and it would have all been for nothing! She made a choice. One I don't think I could have made. I figure it was the right one, or at least as right as any choice like that can be. And she'd have saved you _both_ if she could!"

That was the bit Kaidan didn't want to think about - whether Shepard would have laid down her life to save his and Ashley's both, had it been an option. Because the answer was too clear, too obvious, especially now, when, "Like she saved _you_?"

With a sigh, Joker yanked off his ball cap, revealing a head of brown hair mashed flat from years of training under the hat he almost never took off. "Look, you want to slug me? For needing the rescue after all the shit I talked about my stupid disease not being any kind of issue on a ship designed for combat? For not even thinking how I might evacuate if I had to? For thinking I could save the Normandy? For getting Shepard killed? Do it. Hell, I kind of want to slug me too."

For a long time, Kaidan just looked at his friend as he debated. Then he sighed. "I still try to avoid doing anything she'd hit me for, Joker. Punching out her little brother probably counts."

After another long moment of silence, another void that neither of them bothered to fill with anything but memories and grief, Joker said, "If I still had that pyjak pillow, you could throw it at me."

Kaidan paused another moment, then stood up. "I should go. I ... can't really do this right now." He set the glass of brandy down on a nearby tabletop and said, "Thanks. For the drinks and ... everything."

As he reached the door, Joker asked, "Hey. You think we're ever going to be able to talk again? Like we used to on the Normandy, I mean. Without..." Kaidan turned to see Joker, not facing Kaidan, make a gesture with his hands to indicate the intangible - the void Shepard had left when she passed.

Kaidan thought about it, tried to see it honestly. Right now, the idea of looking at Joker without hearing her last words to him ("Go, Kaidan! NOW!") rip at his heart was unfathomable. Time changed things, or so he understood, but...

In the end, he couldn't commit to it and stay honest. All he could do was shrug and say, "I'll see you, Joker." With that, he left, the sound of his footsteps echoing down the corridor. He listened to the echoes, head bowed, and wondered how he was going to fill the Shepard-sized empty space inside him.


End file.
